Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Personal Injury Attorneys vs Hyland's Teething Tablets: A Fictional Scenario

Personal Injury Law Attorneys take advantage of parents’ reports of harm caused by homeopathic teething tablets, a proposed fictional scenario. From the offices of Hensarse & Foolsgold January 4, 2016 Anytown U.S.A.

9:00 a.m. Front desk receptionist Miriam answers the phone.

Offices of Hensarse & Foolsgold, Miriam speaking. How may we help you?

Could you repeat what you just said Mrs. Meddletek? Did you say you gave your little boy a homeopathic teething tablet and five minutes later....caput? I can assure you that Attorneys Hensarse and Foolsgold are experts in homeopathic medicine. We can guarantee you’ll get justice against these scumbag snake oil salesmen AND a very nice monetary settlement.

Do you still have any of the tablets? You have the entire container? Excellent! I’ll come pick them up later today. They will need to be analyzed.

9:30 a.m. Miriam tells Mr. Foolsgold: We just got a call from a lady who gave her child one of those homeopathic medicines, you know, the sugar pills with nothing in them. She says she gave her little boy one of the teething tablets, and he died five minutes later. I told her that I would pick the container up at her home this afternoon.

Mr. Foolsgold exclaims with glee: This will be like shooting fish in a barrel. We will ask our favorite pharmaceutical chemist, Herr VonErnst, to perform an analysis.

10:00 a.m. Miriam tells Mr. Foolsgold that Herr VonErnst said his analyses are always based on opinions. People believe him without him needing to use any specific analytical equipment. He reminds her that homeopathic pills have nothing in them anyway. He volunteers to do a meta analysis pooling other data that will prove that anything homeopathic is voodoo magic water.

10:15 a.m. Foolsgold tells Hensarse what Miriam told him and tells her to contact NASA and ask them if they know anything about magic water.

11:15 a.m. Miriam tells Foolsgold that one of NASA’s lead scientists was laughing hysterically and said that she used homeopathy all the time. In fact, her son was cured of autism by a homeopath. The scientist recommended that we find someone who's an expert in homeopathy and has spectroscopy equipment.

1:30 p.m. Miriam tells both attorneys: I've called all over the country and only found two people who can analyze magic water. Shall I send the tablets to one of them?

Hensarse and Foolsgold ask Miriam What's spec...tros.......what did you call it? Can't NASA speak in plain English? Yes, go ahead and send them.

Three weeks pass.......

January 25, 2016 The analysis of the tablets’ content arrives by courier and Miriam tells Hensarse and Foolsgold that it showed one part belladonna alkaloids to 1,000,000,000,000 parts water!!!!

Both attorneys slap each other on the back: Excellent! A clear cut case of belladonna toxicity resulting in death. Call the courthouse and register the case to be heard by the Honorable Judge Sprodie.

Two months pass...

March 28, 2016 11:15 a.m. Mr. Hensarse & Foolsgold have argued their claim before the Honorable Judge Sprodie:

...who addresses the attorneys:
Do the two of you Mr. Hensarse and Mr. Foolsgold want this court to believe that an analysis that shows a tablet that contains one part belladonna to 1,000,000,000,000 parts water can actually kill someone?

Mr. Hensarse: Well, yes, your honor, we are. It happens all the time. You could even dissolve a single tablet in Lake Erie, stick your finger in the water, then touch the child. There have been ten deaths now, and they all happened just like that. The FDA said so.

Judge: I think you've been drinking magic water yourself Mr. Hensarse. The kind Jack Daniels sells. You have wasted my time and taken advantage of the judicial system. Get out of my courtroom.

March 29, 2016 9:00 a.m.

Mr. Hensarse tells Miriam to call Mrs. Meddletek. “Let her know the judge dismissed the case saying that we wasted her time and to get out of her court. Send her our bill for $10,000. Indicate that $5,000 is for the spec...tros something or other, whatever it was called; and $5,000 for Foolsgold and myself.

9:15 a.m. In Hensarse’s private office, he says to Foolsgold, I love magic water!

For updates on Hyland's teething tablets and to contact them via a toll-free number, visit their Facebook page HERE Hyland's has another remedy for teething babies that does not contain belladonna Hyland's, Chamomilla


  1. Since many attorneys are tweeting their willingness to be involved in a law suit against Hyland's, it was time to bring a sense of reality to the fore. The fictional scenario was a collaborative effort with someone else.

  2. LOL! That's awesome. And the sad thing is you probably don't even get why. :)

    Love it. :)

    Gold (aka Foolsgold in this comedy piece)

  3. Am looking forward with glee to the results of analyses that real world attorneys will be getting in their attempts to make money from the ridiculous claims of harm and death. Most likely they're related other health conditions or vaccination.